


Life and Love: Pragma

by makkachincrossing



Series: L Words [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Confessions, Established Relationship, First Dates, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 17:22:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9133879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makkachincrossing/pseuds/makkachincrossing
Summary: “Yuuri…” He broke the kiss and moved away from my lips just enough for our eyes to meet. “When you think of loving me… what comes to your mind?”A memoir of how an aria became a duetto.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [](http://s1320.photobucket.com/user/deadlyfudgeda/media/thefinalruinedmysoul_zps5rchyeni.jpg.html)   
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> Happy New Year, everyone! May 2017 make all of our dreams come true (and give use season 2). 
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> "L Words" was originally supposed to be a series of oneshots, but this particular one got a little too long to stand on its own. Therefore, it will be posted in 2 chapters. Yuuri just has a lot to say, I guess.
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> This is also a writing/art collab between me and my best friend whose wonderful art can be found at [her art blog on Tumblr.](http://www.sammysguardianartist.tumblr.com/) She also very kindly betas every one of my fics so my writing is at the best quality when posted!
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> As always, thank you for reading and I hope you will let me know what you think!
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“Yuuri?” 

I heard my name suddenly in a world where I had let my mind go blank to concentrate. “Mm,” was the only way I answered, not wanting to let the reality I found go.

“Have you given any thought to your exhibition program yet?” 

I let my eyes open and was greeted by the brilliant sapphire eyes of Viktor Nikiforov. Was he serious? 

“Of course I’m serious. I know that it isn’t scored—” 

Oh… I hadn’t meant to say it out loud. I swallowed hard, mouth feeling dry. “D-do we have to talk about this now?”

He continued like I hadn’t said anything. “…But it’s a good opportunity to really show your artistic skill with no barriers.” 

“V-Viktor…” 

“All of your ability, creativity…” I let my eyes close again and I was greeted with a gentle touch of his forehead to mine. 

“Your passion… your love…” He purred. I felt his breath on my lips. 

I couldn’t take it anymore and I took a gasping breath, letting it out with a passionate moan. I was greeted with a kiss as I came hard into his slick, hot hand, like he was trying to drink down every ounce of my voice like only he can. 

Finally, I exhaled, again aware of the weight of my body on the soft down mattress and Egyptian cotton sheets. Viktor took a tissue from his nightstand and cleaned my cum off his hand, then covered us both with the comforter. Makkachin hopped up to join us, knowing that the shifting of blankets meant it was time to cuddle and sleep. The dog draped his warm weight over our ankles and I felt his tail thump happily beside my feet. 

Viktor held me to his damp, warm body in the afterglow and I savored his musk combined with the scent of worn tatami and the light, humid, sulfuric odor of the Onsen I was raised beside. I was sure there is nothing more comforting in the world. I let my eyes drift shut in fatigued bliss. 

“… So have you thought about it?” 

I pushed my face into his chest and groaned. “Viktor…”

“What?” He asked. I pulled back to see a small pout on his frosted strawberry lips. 

“I need to land a quad flip before I can even think about the EX program.” I answered, honestly just wanting to bask in the afterglow with him and forget about my anxiety for a little while. Remembering how I forfeited doing anything last year for the gala exhibition due to crushing defeat, absolute heartbreak and humiliation made negative emotion flare up in my chest again. “It’s just… not important right now, okay?” 

He felt me tense in his arms and he leaned in to kiss my forehead, the tip of my nose, and then my lips. “Keep it in the back of your mind, _zolotse_. Hard work is important, but I don’t want you to stop enjoying skating.”

And so I did, I kept the thought so far in the back of my mind that I thoroughly forgot about it. I let my obsession to land the quadruple loop take over every practice. 

What was the point of an EX program to a skater who was going to retire after the Grand Prix Final anyway?

“Your free leg is sloppy on your landing!” Viktor shouted at me from the side of the rink as I fall again to the frozen floor. Nothing had changed for the past three hours… “Again.” I got back up and tried again, gaining speed before turning, digging my right toe pick firmly into the ice and kicking off. 

I felt the blade on the bottom of my foot hit the ice, and so did the palm of my hand, but I managed to not collapse completely. “You’re keeping your arms too tight during your rotations. Use your arms to keep your balance and control coming out of the jump.” He sighed and folded his arms. “Let’s take a break. There’s no use practicing when your head isn’t in it.” 

Anger at myself flared in my chest. I only took a moment to brush off my gloves before I took off again, doing a lap around the rink to gain speed. I turned backwards and pushed my toe pick into the ice so hard it echoed through the room like a gunshot. I took off into the air, Viktor’s careful instruction blurred like white noise in my thoughts by frustration. My skate hit the ice first and slipped out from under me, the heel of my left hand landing painfully and the rest of my body weight crashing down after.

“You’re entering the jump at too sharp of a curve,” I heard Viktor through the ringing in my ears as I tried and push myself up on my left arm. A sharp pain like lightning shot from my wrist to my shoulder and I collapsed back onto the ice. “U-ungh!” 

“Yuuri!” 

Viktor was at my side in an instant. His gentle touch to my forearm brought my injured wrist up to his view. “Can you move it?” 

I grunted, but carefully flexed the painful joint back and forth. I heard him sigh in relief so close to the skin of my neck I shivered. “Thank God…” 

“I- I’m okay…” I panted, “I want to try again…” 

“Practice is over for the day.” 

“Viktor—“ 

“I said practice is _over_.” He repeated sternly, voice dark, eyes burning like blue flames between rows of tarnished silver eyelashes. 

It felt as though the look in his eyes alone had stabbed me through the stomach. Viktor was _furious_. He would never forgive me. I failed him. I should have listened. He deserved so much better. I didn’t deserve him. 

Viktor didn’t say another word to me as he assisted me off the ice and carefully helped me remove my skates. I couldn’t find words to say to him either. All I wanted to do was apologize over and over, tell him how much of an idiot I am, beg him to stay… 

He acted like his normal, cheerful self as he asked Yuuko for an ice pack for my wrist, to which she happily obliged. “I know you’ll land the quad flip someday soon, Yuuri-kun.” She smiled at me brightly as Viktor handed me the ice pack. 

“We’ll try again tomorrow.” Viktor agreed, smiling at her.

We walked slowly home together, Viktor carrying my backpack along with his. I wanted to tell him I could do it myself, but I didn’t dare go against his wishes again. My mother questioned us being home so early when we arrived back before afternoon even began. I explained to her in Japanese what had happened as Viktor slipped off his shoes before stepping up and out of the genkan. 

My mother giggled and looked to Viktor. “My son gets carried away,” she said to him in her spotty English. 

He offered her a charming smile back. “We’ll take the day for Yuuri to rest and recover and be back to training tomorrow.” I translated into Japanese for my mother without looking at the man at my side. 

My mother replied to me in Japanese with a smile and happily headed back to the kitchen. “She…” I looked down at my feet to slip off my shoes, not wanting to see the expression of disappointment in Viktor’s eyes. “She told us to spend time relaxing and enjoying ourselves today…” 

“That’s very thoughtful of her.” He replied, then gently put a hand on my back. “We should get some bandages on your wrist… and keep it elevated.” 

I did as he said, not daring to go against his wishes again. I followed him to his bedroom where I sat on the edge of his bed while he took out a roll of elastic bandages. His impossibly gentle, soft hands wrapped my injury expertly, compressing my wrist snugly but not uncomfortably. He had done this many times before. I wasn’t sure what to say to him… The only thing to break the silence in the room was the sound of Makkachin’s footsteps as he entered the room then hopped up on the couch to take a nap. 

“… You scared me,” Viktor finally said as he tucked the bandage underneath itself, finishing the compression wrap. 

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to make you angry…” I felt tears prickle at my eyes. “I should have listened to you… I’m a terrible student.” 

I looked to him, meeting his eyes as he chuckled. “I’m not angry… I just don’t want you to sustain an injury that will ruin what you have been working so hard for.” He lifted my fingers gently to his lips to tenderly kiss every knuckle. “I’ve never loved someone like I love you… I’m not used to feeling all of these new emotions.” 

I blushed. “New… emotions?” 

He smiled at me. “My job as your coach is to advise you on what I think is best; it is ultimately your choice if you obey or not… I always listened to Yakov, but did what I thought was best for myself.” He kneeled in front of me to look me in the eyes. “I respect the decisions you make as a skater. I admire your drive… and I love you for _you_. You’re the only person I will ever coach. I want to stay by your side and take care of you as long as you’ll let me…”

We had until the Grand Prix Final… that’s what he told me when he first came to Hasetsu. What if I missed the podium at Rostelecom and didn’t even make it to Barcelona? Our days together were numbered… I couldn’t keep him from his career in figure skating forever… He couldn’t only be mine and mine alone. 

I had to cherish him while he was beside me. I couldn’t let myself be injured again… I was wasting time. I reached out to run my fingers through his soft silver bangs. “I love you too…”

We took my mother’s advice and spent the day in Hasetsu together, relaxing in what turned out to be our first real date. In days consumed by practice from the early morning to late evening and exhaustion at night, there was no time to spend to ourselves without skating except between the sheets, moaning for deeper kisses and rougher touches. 

He chose Nagahama ramen for lunch and we sat close together, hips nearly touching. I tried not to stare as I watched him beside me. Viktor scooped a little more beni shoga and sesame seeds into his bowl before slurping up his first mouthful of noodles. “Can I ask you something?” 

He looked to me at the sound of my voice and swallowed. “What is it?” 

“I grew up here, and Western tourists visited sometimes. They asked for a fork a lot of times to eat their meals… I guess I was a little surprised to see that you’re so skilled with chopsticks the first time you ate in front of me.” 

He smiled in response. “It’s not as fun if you’re an athlete who travels around the world and doesn’t participate in the cultures at least a little.” 

“That’s true…” I agreed. I really didn’t sightsee much when I traveled out of the country for competition. I supposed I should start doing so… 

“I like experiencing and eating things that I can’t anywhere else. Things began feeling too familiar on the ice. To keep it fun I wanted to experience everything I possibly could; be a traveler and an athlete.” He took another slurp of noodles. 

My heart swelled in admiration at his answer. “I see… I wish I could be like that.” 

“Everyone unwinds in a different way before competition.”

I nodded and stirred a little sesame oil into my broth before taking a slurp of noodles. I was very much the type who checked into my hotel, went and got a meal, then went straight to bed. Whether I went to sleep right away or not really depended, especially since Viktor and I became intimate. 

We spent the rest of the day walking through the city, doing nothing except enjoying each other’s company. I showed him the dagashi shop I had frequented as a child, the high school I went to, and we bought a strawberry cupcake to share at my favorite cafe. Somehow, like always, we ended up at the beach to look out at the ocean together. We made it just in time to watch the sun set. 

Viktor coiled an arm around my back and rested his hand on my waist. His right hand laced fingers together with my own. I felt him sigh contently and I took comfort in the fact that he felt just as happy as I did when we held each other. 

_”Please God, or whoever is out there…”_ I remember myself thinking, _”never let me wake up from this dream…”_

I felt his cool nose gently nudge my cheek and I turned my face to find his lips. I never want to lose getting to kiss him whenever I want… I never want to lose his strong arms, oceanic eyes or deep voice… I never want to lose his love. 

“Yuuri…” He broke the kiss and moved away from my lips just enough for our eyes to meet. “When you think of loving me… what comes to your mind?” 

I blushed. “W-where is this coming from…?” 

“I’m just curious,” he smiled back. “I’ll tell you what I think of when I’m loving you.” 

I’m still not sure what will kill me first, the way his eyes shine when he looks at me or the embarrassing things he tells me when he’s feeling affectionate. I nodded in response and he chuckled. 

Viktor turned his head to look out at the ocean. “I think of… how I’ve forgotten what loneliness feels like. How I no longer resent people for knowing what it feels to be in love because I know what it feels like too… I think of all the possibilities my life has now by your side… I think of the ocean and seagulls… drinking green tea, warm or cold. Katsudon. Sakura. Summer, popsicles and fireworks. Songs played on the piano. The flavor of strawberries… And how I’ve always only had my own goals and dreams, but now yours are mine… they’ve blended together and I want you to succeed more than I’ve ever wanted anything…” 

I felt tears threatening to push up from the warmth in my chest. “V-Viktor…” 

He kissed me again, his thumb brushing against my knuckles tenderly. I broke the kiss and bit my lip, turning red again. I wanted to tell him… I wanted to let him know about all the beautiful things in my life he made even more beautiful… “When I think about how much I love you… It’s… The color blue. Sunsets. Roses. Snow… Love songs. Warm baths… Hope… calm…” I squeezed his hand. “I… I know I’m an anxious person and I let it take over my life… I’ve never really felt _calm_ until I had you… I want to give my best to you like I’ve never wanted anything before…” 

It felt like something changed inside Viktor after that day, or maybe, things changed with me too. I was unafraid of showing my adoration for him in public, and he no longer held back when he wanted to kiss me rink side or hold my hand at competitions. We indulged in each other often, letting him drown in my Eros like only he could. I came to know his gorgeous body better than I knew my own in ways I had only dreamed of before. 

Then, unexpectedly, we were parted in his home country during the Rostelecom Cup. He didn’t want to leave… 

“Yuuri, I can’t—“ 

“You _have_ to!” 

“I can’t leave you with the free skate coming up.” 

“Viktor, what if the worst happens? I never got to say goodbye to my dog. I don’t want you to feel that…” 

Just an hour later, we shared a kiss outside of his awaiting taxi and he was gone from me… I thought a lot in that twenty-four hours without him about what exactly he had become to me. I had narrowly qualified for the GPF somehow… and flying home from Sheremetyevo to Fukuoka I realized he had become _everything_ to me. 

I could no longer skate without Viktor Nikiforov by my side. He was my love, my passion, my inspiration, my drive, my motivation… but it was selfish to keep him from the ice where he truly flourished and bloomed. I leaned my head against the window of the airplane, looking down at the dots of light below in the darkness of night, marking civilization. They reminded me of my heart… how dark and lonely it had been until Viktor gave me light and life. 

There wasn’t a single moment I didn’t think about him in the entire twelve hour flight. I thought about how he used to be my idol, my celebrity crush. I covered my bedroom walls with photos of him and watched his performances religiously. I bought products from brands that sponsored him… Even when I grew into a young man and accepted my homosexual identity there was no man that attracted me like he did. Ever.

If only I could tell the eighteen year old Katsuki Yuuri I used to be that those feelings weren’t strange; they were astoundingly foreshadowing my future. Though some things changed like the way I truly fell in love with Viktor for the man he is and not the man I thought he was in my mind, he was still the only being in the world I burned for. The only man who could see my sexuality and all I could offer… It was all for him.

But I couldn’t keep him all for myself and let the part of his soul that belonged to the ice slowly die…

We were passionately reunited in Japan and set to work once again on preparing for the GPF and my quad flip. I was careful this time and concentrated fully, not letting my frustration get the better of me. Ever since we reunited in the airport and he told me that my request for him to take care of me until I retired sounded like a marriage proposal, he kept commenting on engagement and getting married… Or perhaps I had just become more sensitive and flustered toward them. 

_“Yuuri, I make really good chicken kiev! I’ll make it for you like a good husband!”_

_“Yuuri, it’s so fun living together! It feels like we’re married!”_

_“Y-Yuuri… I only want your hands touching me… f-forever…”_

My heart pounded excitedly with the new possibilities of him in my life for the rest of my days. His love gave me strength… made me fly. My head was filled with dreams of him never leaving me.

With the power of his love just a few weeks before the Grand Prix Final I was able to soar through a quad flip and nail the landing. The sound of the blade under my foot hitting the ice echoed through the wide room and off the windows, transparent in the mid afternoon November light. Our shared, shocked silence made my ears ring after the echo finally faded into nothingness.

“T-that was it…” Viktor finally said, eyes wide. “Yuuri! That was _perfect_!” 

Before I knew what was happening he was on the rink and his arms were around me. Another moment later my back was on the ice and his mouth was upon mine. There was something about the quad flip that had this effect on Viktor; it made my lips magnetic. It was the cause of our first kiss, and exactly why he gifted me this one too.

“Mm…” I hummed into this mouth, tilting my head to kiss him deeper, reaching up to tangle my fingers in his wintery hair. I didn’t care if anyone walked in. I wanted the world to know that this beautiful man belonged to me and only me, and I to him. I had made him ecstatic and this was our private, passionate celebration. Nobody could take it away from us. 

I wanted to spend every moment for the rest of my life like this, by his side, living for his touch and his joy. 

I felt him pull away from me, gloved hand still resting tenderly under my head to protect it from the cold. The look in his eyes was so tender and loving, I felt my breath catch in my throat. How did I ever deserve for him to look at me like that… How did I ever deserve for him to look at me like that… What did I do in my past life for him to end up with me? I saw the look in his eyes and I knew that he had never given it to anyone else… His sparkling gaze like a glacier in the arctic sun, pink dusted across his cheeks and the tip of his eternally cold nose, his lips swollen from our kissing… 

“Yuuri…” He stroked my hair with his free hand. “You’ve made me so happy… You always make me more happy than I ever thought I’d feel…” I couldn’t breathe. His voice was so personal and tender; a melody for only me to hear… “I want you to stay close to me forever… I want to tell the entire world how much I love you…” 

I felt my face growing hotter by the moment. “Yuuri… may I ask you something?” 

He was going to propose. He was going to ask me to marry him. 

All I could do was nod stupidly in return, my heart shoved so hard in my throat I could’t even speak. I found myself thinking about what kind of flowers we could have at our wedding, where we would go for our honeymoon… We could live together in St. Petersburg or stay in Hasetsu. We could buy a house together. We could adopt a baby and raise her together. We could teach her how to skate, we could walk her to school on her first day… the possibilities were endless. I suddenly saw our entire future full of endless possibilities in his aquamarine eyes. 

His smile was threatening to melt me directly through the frozen surface of the ice. Everything was moving in slow motion. I wanted to remember every detail of this for the rest of our lives. We would tell our grandchildren about this, the moment he asked me—

“Will you skate your exhibition program with me..?”

I must have stayed silent for longer than I thought I did, staring at his face in shock as my mind struggled to reboot and process what he had requested. Viktor’s loving smile turned to one of nervousness, sweat forming on his brow. “I- I already choreographed it and had the music recorded… and the costumes are ready…” 

I sat up and Viktor rolled off my body to sit on the frozen ground. “I need to take a break,” I told him dryly, then glided over the ice and stepped off the rink to slide my blade covers on. 

“Yuuri, where are you going?” Viktor chased me as I walked out of the rink and sat down next to my belongings to change out of my skates and into tennis shoes. 

“I need some air,” I told him, pushing my glasses onto my face. I walked out of Ice Castle Hasetsu after I glanced at Viktor struggling to change out of his skates. 

I knew it was idiotic to feel so upset about Viktor’s not-quite-proposal. My mind had gotten the better of me as it so often did… I just never experienced anxiety in a way that didn’t make my stomach sick with paralyzing fear. It was excitement and hope… I had looked into a future beyond my impending retirement and Viktor was there. 

I walked into the convenience store down the street and gave a small bow of greeting to the cashier behind the counter before disappearing back to the drink coolers. The familiar feeling of guilt was starting to coil hot in the pit of my stomach as it did every time I walked away from Viktor. 

I really had no reason to be upset with him… I was the one who had gotten carried away in my own thoughts. He had no idea. We’d only officially met seven months ago, and somewhere between then and now we became a couple, probably around the time we started sharing a bed and passionate touches. 

The entire dynamic of our relationship was built on the non-traditional. Why would marriage even be in our future? I sighed and grabbed two bottles of Pocari Sweat from the chilled drink cooler, then let myself become drawn in by the rows upon rows of pre-made bento. 

_“Konnichiwa!”_ I heard in an all-too familiar voice behind me as the convenience store door opened. The cashier replied just as cheerfully and I didn’t turn around to look at the approaching footsteps. I picked up a bento box to observe its contents, acting like I haven’t noticed the man who had stopped to stand by my side. 

“Are you going to pick out the katsudon one?” Viktor asked. “You did well today, you deserve a treat.” He didn’t reach out to touch me, he knew I was upset with him. 

“Mm…” I hummed, putting back the lunch I had in my hands. “It won’t be as good as my mom’s…” 

“That is true,” he agreed. I knew he was smiling though I wasn’t looking at him; the tone of his voice betrayed him. I picked up a bento full of spicy grilled chicken and karashi lotus root then turned away from him. I headed to the checkout counter, picking up a strawberry roll cake on the way. The cashier took my frequent buyer card, but before I could give her money to pay an ivory white hand intervened with an aloe water, a couple stuffed onigiri for himself and a few yen bills to pay for everything on the counter. 

“Viktor, you don’t—“ 

“Let’s go to the beach, okay?” He smiled and gathered up the bag containing our lunch after paying. 

The beach… code word for “let’s talk.” I nodded, not really seeing any way of avoiding it. We walked side by side but not hand in hand for the closest stretch of shoreline and found a quiet place to share lunch and thoughts together. 

I pulled my bento out of the bag quietly and prepared it to eat. I heard Viktor rustling around in the bag between us as I broke my chopsticks apart and looked down at my food. “If I tell you about the exhibition program I made for us, will you listen?” Viktor asked, opening his first onigiri. 

“I just… I told you I didn’t want one…” I responded, looking down at the pink umeboshi nestled in the middle of my portion of rice comfortably. “I have things I need to work on for my short and free programs.” 

“You landed the quad flip. As your coach, I’m going to tell you that we are going to continue working on the quad flip, making sure you will be able to land it for the GPF.” I stirred my spicy chicken a little with the tips of my chopsticks for the sake of something to do as I listened to him speak. “… But as your lover, there is nothing I want to do more than dance with you for the world… I know it’s selfish—” 

“There’s no way I can prepare an entire new program to be ready to perform in a few weeks.” I finally let myself look at him. He was insane to expect something like that of me. Besides, I had never pair skated before in my life.

“You already know the choreography. I’ve seen you dance it flawlessly before,” he smiled. 

My eyes widened. ”…Your free skate from last year?” 

He nodded in return. “Of course I changed some choreography for pairs lifts… but I contacted the tenor that recorded the song for me and he re-recorded it along with a soprano acquaintance of his. It’s a duet for your EX program.”

“You want us to skate a duet of _Stay Close to Me_ together?” 

He nodded. “Maybe it’s foolish… but I think of it as our love story. It is more meaningful to me ever since I saw you skate to it…” 

I sighed a little, looking away from him and out to the ocean. I felt his eyes remain on me. “You’re still upset with me…” Viktor murmured.

“I just…” I blushed, angry at my emotions; angry for being angry. “I thought… you were about to ask me something else… back there… It’s not important.” 

“I see…” I watched his hand move to the pocket of his sweat pants to take something. He looked at the small object in his palm, concealed from my view by his long porcelain fingers. His cheeks were pink as he looked into his hand, debating something… before he tucked it back into his pocket without a word. I know now it was the engagement ring he had bought for me during our short time apart while I was skating without him in Moscow, and he slid onto my finger to remain for the rest of our lives in Barcelona. 

“Yuuri…” He looked to me. “Never doubt that I want to spend the rest of my days by your side… ever. But now isn’t the right time for that question. Not yet…” 

I swallowed, looking at the sincerity in his eyes, the love for _me._ I didn’t know what our future held together… But _now_ ,in this moment, I had his love. I didn’t have his ring but I had his desire to show the world what we held in our hearts for each other on the ice. He wanted to dance with me, and only me… 

How could I deny him such a wish? A wish only I could grant… 

I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his soft lips, and slightly I felt him press back on my mouth. “I’m sorry I acted like that… I got carried away.” 

“I’m sorry too…” He nuzzled against my cheek, the tip of his nose even chillier in the cool sea breeze. “I should have talked to you more about it… But you seemed upset about the exhibition and—“ 

“I’ll do it. I’ll skate it with you.” I smiled at him, pressing my forehead to his…


End file.
